Fear

I've never been one to be paralyzed by fear. Yet, I sit here now immobilized, trying to decide what I should do next, how I should react.
A situation happened weeks ago. Today I am re-confronted by it. My heart is racing. My limbs are alternately hot and cold. I think this is anxiety.... something I do not struggle with.
It's because I stood up for me.... Did not bow to my nature that tells me to avoid more pain. Because I didn't do what was expected by the ones attempting to control.

Do I go, do I stay? If I go is it facing the music and being strong? If I stay is it a victory and being strong?
I am damned either way in some fashion. I can choose my path. The consequences I most desire.

What will I look back on and wish I had done?

It is so very complex.

I always considered myself strong, flexible and resilient. Either I've changed or the true me is emerging. Which ever it is... I do not feel any of those things right now.

I just feel scared.

And unsure.

And sad. My eyes are red from crying. My nose is red from blowing it. My head hurts from the sobs.

I do not like this.

Am I being confronted by me?
Am I the problem here?
Am I being weak?
Rude?
Selfish?

If I am the one who needs to change in this situation... hell, I'll do it. I just don't know what the right choice is.

Fear sucks. I am most unaccustomed to it.