Friendship Saved my Marriage - Part 2

I received so many responses to the first part of this blog via email, PM, and text,  that I have unbelievably high expectations for this one. This one is WAAAAYYYYY better.
I can tell.
This one is better.
So there.


See, it is by far more important. More significant. More impacting.

To tie it in to Part One....my female friends have enhanced my life, taught me how to BE a friend. They have sharpened me. Listened to me. Soothed me. Calmed me. Challenged me. Given me a platform to spread my wings. Allowed me in, unflinchingly, to their dark sides. And taught me how to be ME.

But this isn't about that.  This post is about friendship IN marriage.
Not the weekend away alone friendship.
Not the adventure friendship, or the fancy dinner friendship.
Not the friends with benefits friendship.
Or the friends that hold hands and smile friendship.
Not even the laugh at the kiddos one liners friendship or a movie night friendship.
It's about the "go to the guts of it" friendship.
That friendship....
THAT KIND.....
saved my marriage.

In our love story, we started out as friends. As teenagers. We had a trust and comfort established long before we decided to pursue a relationship.
I naively thought that our friendship would spill over into marriage. It would be our backbone. Our safety zone. It would transcend time and space.

But it didn't.

The cares of life. And kids. And work. They settled us into a pattern of comfort. Of relational familiarity.
We considered it marriage. And we called ourselves friends.

But were we???

No. No, we were not.

The reality of that fact snuck up on us and knocked our feet out from under us. It was NOT pretty. Our story is tumbly and bumbly - equal parts sticky and beautiful. There have been several many gasp-and-cover-your-eyes moments. But we have progressed.

(Below is some of the infinite wisdom I have learned.  As a philosopher of the highest order, I gave myself the right to do so.  This is, of course, not a complete picture.... the book is on its way.  Pre order HERE. )

You always hear that marriage is hard work.

* To those that have been married longer than 6 years...  you know that it is the hardest, deepest, most painful work you have ever done. Maybe akin to torture.

* To those that have been married under 4 years.... you are mocking me. Saying that it does not have to be so. That YOUR marriage will not have the bumps and scrapes that I describe. You find me cynical and jaded and think that I must have been insanely selfish, stupid, and certainly not self aware.  Yes, yes, and YES. I will agree with you. I am all those things. That has nothing really to do what I am talking about. Please note: I firmly believe that you have never truly lived until you have experienced what I describe.

* To those of you not yet married. TEEE HEEEE. MUAAAA HA ha. Strap on your boots. Or stop reading.

See, making two people exist together in a healthy way is MESSY. MESSY! To keep your sense of self and celebrate a union is HARD. There isn't a rule book for that one.



In my expert opinion:

At first there is a melting. (4 - 6 years I think it usually lasts) Where we cling to the stars and live in relatively peaceful denial in the spark of fresh love. We handle things. We are doing fine. Life will get better. Stress is acknowledged. Coping mechanisms are working. We can see growth, relationship progression and we are proud of US. "Yes, marriage is hard.... but soooooo worth it."


And then there is a repelling. Where we SEE. Like really.... really SEE. And we don't like some of it. Most of it, actually. We feel like maybe we lost ourself. "WHO am I?" is a common sentiment. All the unfulfilled expectations rise to the surface. This is where our ugly comes out. LIKE UGLY. Eventually we have to face the fact that WE ARE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE WHO WANT TWO MILLION DIFFERENT THINGS. And we have to deal with it. It doesn't matter what books you have read. What cushions you have built in. How great your sex is. What you have in common. How close your relationship is with Jesus. You have to deal with it.
Some people leave at this point.
Some people cry. For a long time. Like years.
Some people get numb. Or avoid.
Some people decide to look the other way. (if you know what I mean, ahem)
Some get mad.
Regardless, we deal with it. In one way or another we decide how we will weather the pain of marriage.


At some point inspiration commences. No matter how you choose to deal with the repelling stage... inspiration comes next. In one form or another. For us, Isaac and I, our inspiration stage has been almost as hard as the repelling stage. We decided to stay. And work. on. our. issues. Inspired, we slog on. Growing muscles of the soul. Strengthening our heart. Swallowing the vitamins of maturity.

Consistency. Perseverance. All those really great words don't feel so great when you are actually doing them.  They suck.... Badly. Because getting real is tough. Exposing.  And yet you keep going... because you feel yourself changing into a better version of YOU. Hope is your food. Delight has a new form. You scan yourself in the mirror and see evidence of all the work you are doing; sinew sleek, biceps defined. Breathes come deeper.

In this Inspiration stage Isaac and I decided to become friends again. And we WORK at it. Hard. We acknowledge our personal growth and our need for more. We don't shy away from the ugly. And we fight. Yes. We FIGHT. Sometimes the fights are mild, mere blips on the richter scale. Others bring down the house. Mostly we accept that the other believes the best in us and we extend that same curtesy.

At first it was difficult to be friends again. The accepting. The openness. The agreeing to disagree. Walking into the pain and not looking away. All the stuff that my girlfriends taught me. But, different. The journey into friendship IS different than intimacy. Now that it has become part of our world, we recognize that a little effort goes a long way.
One way we prioritize our friendship? We spend 15 minutes EVERYDAY on the porch after the kids go to bed just being friends. Rain, snow, wind, subzero temps. We talk about our day. What we observed. Learned. We laugh. We sigh. We release the day out into the universe side by side.
And then we sleep.

I don't know what marital stage comes next. I've only been married a tad over 15 years. I'm still a babe. But, I am committed to finding out what comes next.
EVEN if its more pain.
BECAUSE it will be more pain.

 I have a friend to go the distance with me. And that means the world