I woke this morning just after the sun peeked over the tree-line. I laid still in bed, my eyes still closed and I breathed in the smells of morning, the peace and the stillness. These moments are precious to me; this silent time where I release my grip on the day. (This is a big step for a control freak) I spend time praying, and submitting my day to God, asking for his presence and power in my life.
When I rise I brush my gnarly teeth then grab my yoga mat to say good morning to the day. 15 or 20 minutes of light yoga and rhythmic breathing outside in the newness of the day, ending in savasana, on my back, eyes closed body relaxed, hands open towards the sky. It is here that I feel at one with my purpose, with the day, where I am truly present. It is here that if you asked me what I was thinking I would smile but remain silent. Because the silence has invaded me and filled me to my brim.
This stillness, and the practice of, has become as vital to me as eating. The nourishment to my soul is crucial to life.
Through the practice of rituals this year my life has completely changed. It may not be visible to the untrained eye, as on the outside NOTHING as changed. But internally, I am boiled down to the nectar of my essence. My thoughts come one at a time, my values and priorities are aligned, and my non-negotiables are clear. Strangely, I have added 7 rituals to my daily schedule, yet my life is slower, (way) more peaceful.
Here is a brief summary:
A large element has been the evidence of being fully integrated and able to live in the moment, fully engaged, wanting to be here and not "there." Knowing that I have all I need to live today to it's fullest - tools, people, resources, skills. Life has prepared me to LIVE today well. Guilt has largely learned it has no teeth. The chatter of should have and could have is non-existent. The if/ then's in life are no longer present. (you know, the IF this..... happens THEN I will feel... or WHEN I get here THEN life will.......)
Contentment, has become a primary foundation. I would describe it as trusting the process, fully and completely. Don't let me fool you, my LIFE hasn't changed. I am still in menopause, I have two children on anti-anxiety meds, I have CIRCUMSTANCES.. the kind that can weigh you down and clog your joy. But I have learned that circumstances cannot rule me. Outer chaos cannot be blamed for inner franticness (or fragility).
My awareness of my smallness and of my power has been a delightful lesson of not controlling absolutes. Awareness of the energy I bring to a room, the family, a business situation.... that is power. It can be used wisely or foolishly. And awareness of the energy that others bring to a room... and acknowledging where they stop and I start.
More than ever, I recognize seasons of life. And have learned to BE in the current season; not rushing it or slowing it down. Not figuring it out or trying to manipulate its path. Rhythms are by their very nature ever changing.
I admit that I have lived most of my life pushing (me or others) and proving (I dont know what to I don't know who). I lived with my outcomes, predetermined, as my guide. I saw myself as tenacious and gosh, darn it, I was. And now? All that pushing is gone. In it's place is the true form of my very determined self. False motivations have fallen away and in its place is stamina.... The kind that doesn't tire me out when I use it... but grows and fills me and the world around me with vitality.
Success, also, redefined itself. I wasn't seeking any of this... but, this bit surprised me the most. Success is no longer about the destination. I know that I have a, largely cloudy, picture of a desired end. But, it has changed from being status-position-money-location-future centric and become present; living intimately in the current moment. I know I am going somewhere because I know me. And that is success. I achieve it every. single. day.
Mostly, though, I believe that my understanding of God, of prayer, of how we are spirit and the spirit us has been the most pivotal movement of this season. I cannot call it knowledge, because my head cannot comprehend it entirely. Insight into stillness and meditation, contemplation and mindfulness has been an anchor.
I had to go through an intense season of pain; confronting my ugly, embracing failure, unable to lead, standing down, keeping my mouth shut, relinquishing my identity, restless and frustrated to be able to grasp the enormity of the virtue of living.
The claim. It has been staked.
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