Friendship Saved My Marriage

I woke early. Hours before the dark faded into light. It was cold. Windy. Snow coated the roads. 

And I had coffee with a friend.

Connection of heart and minds. Planning. Motivating. Talking through issues and problems and navigating solutions TOGETHER.

That is all it took to take this day from mediocre to memorable. From typical to extraordinary. To make my choices a bit more intentional.

Friendship. It creates me. Fills me. Is one of my greatest joys in life.

It was not always this way....

I used to think that all of my needs should be fulfilled in marriage. By being ONE with my husband. ALL my wants and desires and dreams and goals and plans and .... well, laughter and happiness.... ALL of it started and ended here. AHHHHH. Marriage. The holy union. The sacred chamber. The divine purpose. 

More like the BIG disappointment. 

Before you scoff at me.... let me explain.

When we were newlyweds, for example, I thought that our conversations needed to be full and detailed. And about EVERYTHING. I was hurt early on when his questions were semi- interested, barely basic, never observant and definitely not seeking. It felt dismissive. Cold. I had so much to say and he had nothing to say. Ever. 

"Sure, babe." 

"That's great, babe." "

Huh.. never knew that, sweetie." 

"What's that? Come again?"

"I don't remember discussing it, but... Okay. Sounds good."

I thought that our LIFE was to be each others LIFE. To mold into ONE being. To breathe the same air. Feel the same things. Stand on the same side of every perspective. (poor, poor hubby)

Forever holding hands, gazing deep into each others eyes.... 

I thought that sex was gonna be glorious. And always mutual. Never one sided or demanding. Tears of bliss would flow.... not tears of loneliness. 

I thought that goals would be set, worked towards and achieved. TOGETHER. (always)

 I had been raised to immerse yourself in your partner. To grow TOGETHER and in the same ways. 

That isn't my story. At all. 

 Isaac and I could never get on the same train, mine was always the express, his was the scenic country side tour.

dis·ap·point·ment

ˌdisəˈpointmənt/

noun
the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one's hopes or expectations.

1. sadness, regret, dismay, sorrow                                              a person, event, or thing that causes disappointment.

   
   

For many years, I could only see the lack. The slow. The broken parts.

 So, I tried to FIX. To create a lasting bond. To help him see what it is I DESIRED for him to be. To cajole. Control. Pout. Point out the obvious ways he could easily change to be doing a better job as a partner. And when all else failed... scream my bloody head off. (yes, I am one of THOSE)

I justified it by saying I was helping him to be a better man. I was doing what all the books said....Calling him to LIFE!  It was my responsibility to help him grow. Why else would I be called a HELPmate?

 In our infinite womanly wisdom... WE KNOW the answers. It is our God-given intuition. 

It is, after all, in our nature to nurture and grow things.... we are justified in our attempts to help our husbands be better people. 

When my attempts at remolding the pot failed ... I prayed. A lot. And cried. And felt sorry for myself... which made me pray more.

So everyday I prayed; My way, My path, My pace. 

In reality.... I was a selfish prig. What I was doing was trying my damn-dest to create him into the partner I thought he should be... what I wanted him to be. 

(Judge away..... )

I missed so much along the way. My face burns with embarrassment.  How is it that I actually thought I had the tools to create him into a better man? (There's the laughter I craved so much) 

I have had such a gift in him, yet for years I saw him through dirty goggles.
MY goggles. MY dirt.

Yes, I agree.....in marriage connection is vital. Our intimacy important. Our communication essential. But, understanding that we are MALE and FEMALE.... fundamental.

There is a part of my life that only soul sisters can meet. SOUL SISTER(S). Plural.

It is NOT fair to me (or to my husband) to expect to find all of my needs INSIDE our vows. Women know women. Deeply. We get the journeys into the depths of our souls. We get the need to process our feelings to really know what we FEEL. We get that asking questions spurs us forward and opinions expand our view. We get that solutions are not always THE solution. AND, we enjoy walking with our kindred selves, arms and hearts intertwined. It brings us energy. 

Dare I say, it calls me to life? And I have MORE to give to my husband and a greater capacity to accept him in all his glory.

When I realized this very basic but new-to-me concept my hubs and I were in the middle of relationship HELL. We almost parted ways. Permanently. ( that story is where this blog started)

When I realized that a new approach was needed. It rocked my tiny little world.
Hands off,  Angel. Isaac, I will embrace all you are, I love you, want you, and need you. I do not need  you to perform, thanks for listening, thanks for your help, how can I listen to you, yes, I will play video games with you tonight and tomorrow I will sit on the driveway as you change the oil in the car. Quietly. That approach to life was much more effective for us... we actually began to grow. As individuals. And together. 

He was able to BE. And I was able to clearly see the treasure he is... as well as embrace the the not-so-very-treasure-y part. I relaxed. And we actually started to laugh. And set goals; some we work for, some we forget about.
He still likes rap. And I don't. Sometimes I pretend to. We love to debate political and religious issues. We rarely gaze into each others eyes... who has the time? But we glance. And those glances are really great. It's our rhythm.  

For us, the greatest bit of marriage is that it is a resting place. A reprieve. A LIFE.
We do wrestle sometimes... (but that is none of your business)

All the other stuff ? That's what early morning coffee is for.