Beautiful Pain - 7 lessons I learned this fall

I haven't written in a  few months. I have wanted to. It was just one of the "extra's" that I eliminated.

Since I have written last my pace has drastically amended itself. I realize now that the "ehhh" I was feeling all summer was related to some health problems I was experiencing and subconsciously adapting to.

In September my body succumbed to the constant adaptation with severe PAIN and has forcibly controlled my last few months. I am functioning just fine. (sic) Doing what I need to. No extra's. None. I am doing the basics.  My thoughts actually come one at a time now. (it's kinda nice) I am thankful every day that I can still work, still cook, do laundry, still clean the house, still laugh. I just do it slower. And less.

While my affect has maintained an upbeat stance, my energy has been reduced. Though somedays I forget things. (like going over to some precious friends house on a Friday eve for supper) I drop things a lot (cause the pain sometimes makes me shake) And I find that I am yelling at the kids... way more than normal.  Mid yell I'm all like, "yo, chica, what got your panties in a bunch. Chill out!!!"

I still feel like me. Just different. It  is a new normal.

I do not like to admit that I am struggling. In pain.  I don't like to admit that I need help. That I am incapable of being what I know me to be is hard. I have dealt with feelings of guilt. Feeling like I am lazy. Weak. Denial has been a big element of my last few months. As such I "suffered" silently.
Until I could not any more.
And the doctor visits and the tests and the follow ups and the phone calls and finally an answer.
And then relief.



This new normal will end on December 20th. At 10am to be exact. I will be getting a hysterectomy. And then I will heal. And in the good doctors words, "I will get my life back."

While this time has been a hard season, it has been full of times of gratefulness. Here are the 7 lessons I learned during my recent (and continuing) ordeal.

1. For a brief time I have the privilege to been aware in a real way of what people with chronic illnesses suffer; the emotional toll personally, on the family, on a marriage. I will never be the same. I will never respond the same to those in physical need.

2. I learned to take time every day, sometimes multiple times, to recenter, STOP, pray, breathe. A time out... to be aware that life is more than what I am experiencing. I found that my afternoon times were the most precious times. And I hope I continue them when I get my unending energy back.

3. I faced the period of time called uncertainty. The "time in between." The time of waiting. It is miserable. But I found that my faith was stronger than my reality. And the empty space of not knowing became the space filled with the knowledge of HIS greater power.

4. I faced myself.  In my sweetness. In my ugliness. In my bad days. In my strong days. In my mad and in my sad days.  And returned over and over that life is NOT ABOUT ME.

5. I once again realized how much I need my people. My support group. My bosom buddies and my husband.  Because they expect nothing and give everything. And many days they kept me truckin'.

6. I found that even in pain there is life. And planning. And new. And that the future comes regardless. And my choices today effect it. So I have planned. And  shuffled forward. And I am excited.  Very.

7. I am so thankful for health. For a healthy mind. Healthy choices. Exercise. Fresh veggies. This time solidified in my soul how health can never be taken for granted. It must be nurtured. Maintained. Celebrated.


Writing this blog post  is part of the process, it is facing a fear.  I had debilitating fear of telling those out of the "need to know zone" about my struggle. And I realize.... I do not NEED to tell anyone. But fear is not the reason to stay silent.  I am committed to transparency. To honesty. To living open and ALIVE. I am committed to recognizing that life is not always pretty or predictable. Life is, in all its nuances, beautiful. And my beautiful right now is pain.