two weeks of inner bedlam. two weeks of many hours away. two weeks where work consumed me...but it was a relief. See... i fear myself. i fear the power I contain. i fear who I really am. because i know that i would rock. I would like me... a lot. so when I feel myself beginning to blossom and grow, but I have nowhere to go with it.. I get busy. really busy. And then I crash. and I burn. and it becomes an effort to breathe. Because that happens when you don't allow life to flow through your veins.
see. I am a survivor. so that's good, right? yeah. good. But the thing is. survivors are happy to merely be alive. Survivors don't know the vigor of life's essence. Survivors don't taste the crisp cold water on the mountains. Survivors are happy with water period. i am tired of surviving.
My path has been brutal. painful. sometimes sad. my choices have reflected my mediocre beginning. I have laid down...unintentionally. But when you are a survivor you don't know life outside of panic. life outside of this very moment. so you reflect that. unintentionally.
and then you begin to heal. and you see. taste. smell. feel. but where do you go with the bit of life you grasp? when circumstance holds you captive. and frustration mounts as the possibilities pass on by. and it hurts. in a new way. a bigger way than ever before. because you can now.
i want to throw my head back, raise my hands and yell at the moon. I want to spin. and laugh. I want to paint and run and love fully. I want to dream.
And I wonder if I ever will.
see. I am a survivor. so that's good, right? yeah. good. But the thing is. survivors are happy to merely be alive. Survivors don't know the vigor of life's essence. Survivors don't taste the crisp cold water on the mountains. Survivors are happy with water period. i am tired of surviving.
My path has been brutal. painful. sometimes sad. my choices have reflected my mediocre beginning. I have laid down...unintentionally. But when you are a survivor you don't know life outside of panic. life outside of this very moment. so you reflect that. unintentionally.
and then you begin to heal. and you see. taste. smell. feel. but where do you go with the bit of life you grasp? when circumstance holds you captive. and frustration mounts as the possibilities pass on by. and it hurts. in a new way. a bigger way than ever before. because you can now.
i want to throw my head back, raise my hands and yell at the moon. I want to spin. and laugh. I want to paint and run and love fully. I want to dream.
And I wonder if I ever will.
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