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I just drank a gas station cappuccino. Yum. Sometimes. It is like a dessert. Not like coffee. Coffee I sip, savor, allow it to penetrate my senses. Flavored French Vanilla Cappuccino I use for a fix, a sugar fix, a zip fix. It has been so very long. I Think I craved the sensation it brings me..... the caffeine effect. I have had many late nights and early mornings. Today I crave an afternoon nap. Impossible. My sub-conscious takes over..... Caffeine. See how it works.....

As I moved around the house this morning preparing for a day I felt happy. I enjoy when I have many things on my plate. I realized that I have a few weeks where it will be all me. I like that, I think.

I was struck with the reality of what I have let myself become. Where on the priority list I have placed myself. I gain energy from living. It is who I am. I would not call me perky, exactly, but I am full of energy. I would like to describe it as vitality, but it is not quite. That is my goal.To rediscover the inner being that I have allowed to be suppressed.

I will not place blame. I will meander through my thoughts, spilling out the beautiful and the ugly. I think clarity will be achieved as I open the hidden places.

Why have I taken the priorities of life and catapulted them into a trench of meager existence? I am not a survivor. I take what life hands me and run with it. I embrace pain, lessons, difficulties and turn them into wisdom. If I say that is who I am then some things need to change. I have been living a life one crumb at a time, celebrating the little things... but only allowing myself to experience the little ones. Somewhere along the line I forgot to breathe deeply and exhale fully. I forgot that I matter.

I have wasted talent. Buried them beneath a cold hard ground. But, summer has arrived. The ground is warm. It smells like life and is aching to bring forth fruit.
It is up to me.

I know that diligence is key. Somewhere I have allowed myself to get overrun, tired. Low blood sugar. Yep, that's been me. Anything that fully benefits ME, requiring diligent energy, is too much. What I love has become an afterthought. A queen of excuses to ignore my essence.

Ouch. As I write I am not liking what I admitting. I have been sub-consciously expecting my life to feed me. Having a silent expectations of those in my life to take up for me where I did not have energy. The table is laid out before me with a decadent 4 course gourmet and I want to be fed.

I have been giving to everyone in my life. That is good. But not when I forget about me. I have been blessed with the ability to multitask. I excel in any task I attempt. I learn and can produce blessing from my lessons and experiences. And I do it for others. God has called me to bless. And now I must include myself in that. "love your neighbor as you love yourself."


So now that it has been recognized that I am neglecting, it will be revealed how many areas this has effected. I think I will see many things I will not like. But, now I can change them. My view has been adjusted.

I did not realize I would begin this process of separation focused on me. I am glad. I now see just how responsible I have been for the holes in our relationship. I know there are more areas. I feel them brewing. It is sobering. And so necessary. I was prepared for pain. I thought I would be processing pain inflicted. I did not know it would be pain inflicted by me.