D-day

I read over my entry form the other day. I see a lot of hurt and anger. Anger is good. Sometimes it purifies. It is what happens after the anger that matters.

We talked. We both know that a separation has been a long time in coming. We both know that it is necessary.We both want this to be done correctly and proactively so that it is not a waste of time. We decided that he should leave Monday morning and not return until certain goals have been achieved. Those are clear, but loosely outlined. We know that we will both know when the time of reunification has come. We will not be extensively conversing during this time. We will not be spending time together. No sex, obviously. He will come when I need him to watch the children. He will come on the weekends to be with the kids for a little and to do his laundry, maybe. That is all.

It is a time for me to live with out him and examine my own heart. What he does and accomplishes is his business. I only care that when he returns I NEVER have to deal with some of who he is again. I know that sounds like high expectations. That is why I am writing; to express the unbalanced mindsets and to achieve a healthy equilibrium once more.

We are doing this in the Lord. We want health to be achieved. A toxic home environment, even randomly, produces death. I want life. Isaac wants life. We know that this move is unorthodox, especially for the circles that we exist in. I don't care. I will arrive on the other side better. It is my life and my plan that I embrace.

We talked to the girls on Saturday evening. Ara, not surprisingly, understood and took it in stride. Maya, my sensitive Maya, cried. It was good for her to have yesterday with both of us. She sat snuggled between us on the couch last night drinking us in. This morning she woke with tears. She will grow. She will see that sometimes the right thing is not always the easiest thing. We explained that we are pursuing health.She knows what that looks like, in her heart, she knows.

I am fully prepared to go where I need to go. I feel shut down this morning. The events are slightly surreal. But, I feel the budding joy of a flower about to bloom.

I have more to write, but my house is slowly waking up. I will sign off for now and enter the warm, soft arena of children in the morning.

-Journey-