hurt

It is amazing how emotions can change in a moment. Yesterday I felt in charge. On top of things. Motivated and ready to do this. Last night I opened up to a friend. In doing so I exposed a layer of pain I did not know existed.

I want this separation. I do. It is necessary. But, I guess I did not realize that he would want it so much. I have made his life better than anything he ever wanted or needed. I have put up with, loved through, encouraged, believed in, thought of his needs over mine, anticipated his heart and responded accordingly for nine years. Why is he so desperate to get away? I see a change in him already. I do not know if I can define the difference, but it is there. A taking care of life difference. Remembering, retaining,taking care of himself. I see a freedom. He seems settled and at ease. Which sounds good. But, why did it have to happen because he is away?

Why is he still not able to see me in this situation? I am like this strong entity w/o need of him, he thinks. So he disregards me. He says he thinks about me and the family and nothing else. But, really. How can you claim to want nothing else but your family's well-being and have your finger so far off it's pulse? It's like me and cars. I can pretty much ID any car on the street, make and model. I have a fairly keen sense,with in a few years, it's age. But, I could never tell you horsepower, torque, engine size or liter. I don't know what kind of gas it needs or which size tires it requires. I might know how often its oil needs changed, but not what weight of oil, synthetic or not. Meaning. I see it, but could not care for it.

Perhaps I am being bratty. I am going to let myself, for the moment. I have four children. I have a house to run, bills to pay, schedules to orchestrate and only 24 hours in my day. He left and who helps who prepare for the separation? I help him. He, one person, is leaving and taking clothing, etc. I help him. What am I doing? I enable his ass all the time. My "role" as a good little wife has spilled over into unhealthy expectations.

I do not need him. But it would be nice to.

I know I wrote yesterday about recognizing a need in me to be taken care of. Maybe what I am feeling this morning is because I recognized it. I can now look beyond that twisted mind-set to a core need in me. I want to matter to my husband. I want to be a priority to him. I don't want him just to say it. I want him to show it.

I do not have words to describe what I am feeling right now. I think I feel a little hurt that he is craving this, pushing for it, enjoying it, and changing so quickly. Do not get me wrong, a change is what I want........but now I am left with the empty questions of why. Why could he not change at home? Why am I not important? Why does he want to be away and alone so bad? If he had children and got married and lived for nine years in a situation.... why can't he embrace it as his reality and do what needs done?

I still feel in control. I still feel strong and like I can do it. But, today it hurts. Just a little.

I feel a sense of rejection. My sense of justice wants to rise up and say how dare he reject me. But, I will get over it.

Today I can see all the beautiful things that we had/have in our marriage. I can recognize his heart and appreciate all of his good points. And I can love him. Fiercely. But, I could walk away and never look back.