Day one

1/10/09

Ok, I am a mess. I just completely flipped on Isaac. He lied to me the other night. Three times. It is shit like this that I deal with constantly, and have for nine years. I promise myself that I will not trust him again. He lays low for awhile; treats the kids w/o irritation, remembers to do things (or more than I am used to), acts like he is listening to me when I start to open up about the pain he causes me. At some point he decides that it isn’t worth it to live less than his best. He seems to have an epiphany. The Underlying Man that I first saw and fell in love with emerges. Against my better judgment my heart opens, slowly and cautiously now, to him. For a few days I feel excited and happy inside. I actually have hopeful thoughts…. Like, “maybe this is the time. All my waiting paid off and finally I am living a life with a man who will care about me and my needs.” I fool myself into a type of euphoria. A sickening, delusional state. I begin to embrace this man with all I am. Once again, I believe.

It is snowing. Big lush flakes are filtering past my windows. I made chicken soup for lunch and I am drinking it from a large mug. The warmth and coziness of the day is only interrupted by the fact that Isaac is in my life. That reality used to be huge. It used to devastate. Not any more. It is a small detail. A gnat in my eye. See, just like that I am over it.

We will separate. I told him an hour ago. I need at least two weeks to think. To cry. To process. To forgive myself from allowing him to hurt me once again. To find myself, the warm secure Angel I know I am. I want to know who I am under this toxic mess. I want to believe again….with out it hinging on him. I do not want to be hard or bitter. I want to be free.

Even as I write two weeks sounds like a band-aid. I said at least two weeks. I have some goals about what I want to accomplish. About what I need from him before I let him back in my life in any capacity.

I realize the cycle of my life is pathetic. I realize that I have let it go on too long. I realize that I have let a soul weaker than my own weaken me. How does that happen?

In the middle of it all I feel hope. I am excited. I feel a sense of euphoria. This time it’s because I have stood up and declared, “NO MORE!” This time it is b/c I recognized my limits. I knew my own heart and followed it.

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” I will not have shame! I will take what life has handed me and turn it into something good. I will be better for it.