I am her and she is me

I was always taught to deny myself. To not listen to me. That I was flesh - and flesh was evil., perpetually wrong.
I never really had myself. I only had doubt. 

I could feel me, deeply buried, and I liked her. But I was programmed that liking her was foolish and knowing her certain ruin.

If I deny her and am filled with misery at least I obeyed wisdom, the wisdom of my father. The righteous way. The way accepted.
Because really, that was the issue - obeying Him. And if I did not, facing everything he said I would be if I strayed... that is really my religion, my driver, my daily partner. He taught me to despise me.

He didn't teach me to find, love, develop my deepest me; he taught me to hate, suppress, deny and fear all that I was. He taught me smiles and performance. He told me who I was and disciplined me into submission. 

Even so, 
My life was spent trying to find her and then running from her when I did. Euphoria then despair. In cycles. In pockets. Chaos.

Finally, nearing my 40's I succumbed to her wiles. I met her; met me. I realized my needs, wants, desires for the first time ever. ( how sad is that?)

Now that I am her and she is me, and we are one. I trust. Really truly trust. I am my deepest heart friend. I have blossomed. 

Now, after years of safety, years of deep relationship, she is telling me to go against everything I was programmed to believe. My soul knows it is growth and health is on the other side. 
I trust her. 

But I am scared. The little voice from my past....What if she is wrong and evil and listening to her certain ruin?

What if I follow her prompt and end up filled with regret?