Dear Melancholy

Dear Melancholy,

I hate you.

I love you.

Why do you sneak into my life, silently, usually undetected, for hours, sometimes days before I realize you arrived? Each time I notice your presence I sigh, deeply, for I know that a soul searching is a-comin'. With chagrin, I have to tell you that I think you are a viable part of my life. A Necessity. Fundamental to my womanly existence. Yes, I'll say it, even healthy.  The deep soul reflection you cause me to engage in.. well..... I know that it is part of my womanly make-up.

Each time you visit I grow. I do. IF I let myself settle into your gentle embrace. You cause me to listen to my intuition, act on my instinct, explore the recesses of my inner workings. Prayer takes on new meaning. Reflection becomes a sweet candy. Often I FEEL things I rarely put on my emotional schedule.
But who has time for that? From now on, I would like to make an appointment for your sojourns into my soul - when they are convenient, when I have some time for you.

Can we arrange that?

See, the trouble is, when you are visiting you NEVER give me a break. You follow me around; in my thoughts, my every movement, ugh.  And I feel "OFF", y'know. I have to be aware to not get pervasively moody, discontent, sad... sometimes even depressed. That occurs, as you well know, when you over stay your welcome.

Usually I am so lonely when you arrive. All I want are my heart friends around me ALL the time. I seek the comfort of knowing eyes, shoulder squeezes, sympathetic arm pats. But, generally, we don't talk about these things as women. Typically, it is a "hinge in need of fixin'."  And I do not want to seem weak, tormented, judged. It is easier to complain or find a substitute to pin my emotions on, to vent or blame or yell or snap. I talk to people about the things that annoy me. But rarely do I talk about the melancholy. The pensive. My contribution to being bothered by life.

I want to ask the women all around me -

Do you ever feel melancholy?

Can anybody relate?

Why don't we talk about these moments? Why do we always have to keep the lipstick on?
Is there strength in being eternally happy? Forever ON? Never missing a step? Target focused? Perpetually grateful?


I know I want to be that woman... sublimely successful, party poised, on my game, twinkle toes.

But I am not!

I imagine we all go through times of quiet reflection, times where, for no reason we have to work extra hard to do what we did with ease yesterday. Why don't we explore these precious, precious times together?

If I could ask these questions and really share -
just for fun I would go go first, and here is what I would say:

"This week was one of those weeks for me. I survived. Just barely. Daily I needed to give myself pep talks. I took more time to recenter. One day I ran multiple times.... needed the head space. Another day I got out of the house just because I could.... just because I needed to. I wore lipstick.

I can tell you exactly WHY I had these emotions this week:

1.  I am changing some things in my life
2.  I am getting adjusted to summertime schedule and four kiddos - again. 
3.  Working on a big project, (at home , mostly... so #2 bleeds into this one)
4.  Feeling the pain one of my good friends is currently experiencing. (Not carrying her pain.... just FEELING it in my soul, loving from a distance)

What I learned:

I realized, once again, poignantly, the power of thought. My internal atmosphere was a direct result of my thoughts. Combine my internal contemplation with my situational funk and I produced a high-strung, snappy persona. Not so pretty. Actually, pretty UGLY.

And that feels good to say out loud.

The result, on this side of miserable, is a pure, raw me. A bit achy and sore. Maybe flinching more than normal. But full.  I pondered things in my heart this week. And now I can take a deep breathe and step forward tentatively.

Can you relate?"



So, Dear Melancholy, You came. You left.
A new season is upon me.
Because of you I am more equipped. Less Foolhardy.

I suppose I should thank you.

Sincerely,
ME