Dysfunction

all alone.... waiting...
Life has been busy. Incredibly!

I find I throw myself into the extra-curricular to avoid.

But it catches up with you.

when life makes you mature and face the music, when you really don't want to...... when it teaches wisdom and character from behind your well-placed smoke screen....it's time to stand up and take notes.

Here it is:
I avoid life at home b/c I don't feel safe
I am better when I am away b/c I have a foundation
I am motivated, inspired, creative and excited about all things... when it is not home.
At home there is a lack, a black hole, pain. I cease to be creative, to be inspired, to dream, to breathe, to live.
At home I exist. Mostly pleasantly, but VERY unresponsive to .... me.
I feel bad for the kids.
Bad for Isaac.
Our life that we have created has pinned us to the wall.
I cannot plan or look into the future.
Bleak.
Scary.
Shame.
At work I do well. I thrive. I am good at what I do. At everything I have ever done I have been excellent. But at home I am a failure.
Our priorities are screwed up. We do not know how to make ourselves a priority.
We both shut down when it comes to our life. We avoid.
And then we begin to avoid each other.
I cry for my children.
I feel powerless at home.

I want to live at home. I want to feel my worth at home. I want creative life to be for home. I want to feel motivated and alive at home. I want to feel like me, like breathing, like dancing, like dreaming, like laughing, safe at home.

I am sick of the dysfunction