Vent.

I have desired to write, needed to write, but I am committed to not express when I am overly emotional. Hindsight has taught me a bit of wisdom.

I am not going through a good patch right now. Marriage stuff. Always. I can focus on the positives, mostly, and exist in a state of relative harmony with self and spouse. But, inside I am shriveling up. Have things improved since we split in January '09? Yes. Some.

My anger is gone. In it's place is a sense of worth. A sense of self. I will not let him take my essence. However, reality is that his choices or lack there of affect my life and the life of my children. It is my choice how I respond.... but his actions create consequences for us. Acid drips in my stomach as I try to intellectually plot my recourse.

The individual tied in knots responds like a caged kitten. A familiar stranger in a surreal suspension of time. I do not like feeling out of control in my own body. I despise seeing the effects on my beloved offspring.

Is there hope? I am at a cross roads and some hard choices need to be made, again. I realize that my ideals are not in the cards currently. I must decide between the lesser of two evils. I must count the cost and anticipate what deposit will produce the most dividends.

I just read back over what I have written. I hate that it is my life, that that is what I have to express. I hate all the "I" statements. Where is the creativity? The love of life? The passion and energy? Where is the woman born to dream and bring abstract ideas into concrete reality? I am not who I have been. I am not who I was destined to be. I am a survivor of circumstance. Fractured. Wounded. Strong but wanting to be weak.

I live my life calling others to life, looking for the good, believing in your essence and celebrating as it comes to existence. I believed in him more than he did. I worked harder for his success than he did. I saw more life than he wanted to live. I was wrong. Now I am tired. Not that I am sick of doing good. I am not. But I will no longer invest where I will inevitably take a loss. Wisdom.

What does this mean for me? I do not know. But I am not scared. Time to pour effort into me....for me and for my perfect mini-me's. Time to set a goal and watch it come to be. No more waiting.