Ouch!

ouch
OUCH! oh shit, it hurts.
This coming of age in my thirty's. This bandaging my heart from more blows from the family of origin. This finding out information that has bruised the core of my being and threatens to throw me off the cliffs of health I so dangerously skirt the edges of. This inability to shake it all off with positive thinking and a good run. This propensity to begin to self hate and engage myself in the very behavior that has wounded me. OUCH.
I feel like there are very many relationships around me in a precarious position. I am the common denominator. Is it time for a change of scenery or a change in me? Have I made bad choices and allowed painful people in my life or have I contributed to the dysfunction? My demise seems imminent if I cannot get a breath.
I look upward for direction and strength. I do not have a crutch in my faith but I do have a backbone; a spine when I can no longer stand. I feel. I feel everything. I allow my body the bittersweet chocolate of emotions. And then I let them go. It helps me to release my hurt, submit my anger, walk in truth, be uncontrolled by circumstance or anyone's actions.
But right now I HURT. I do not know how to navigate this pain. Or where to go from here. There is an issue that needs addressed and I am at a loss. Tomorrow looms in my view.
My failures sit on my shoulders. My persona is lead on my chest. Choices made long ago taunt my subconscious. Who I am rises up clothed in dead man's clothes.

What is the point?

If the people who are supposed to love me do not.
And the one who does love me more than anything I despise.
And my children have a fractured sense of who I am - of all my heart.
And I find it difficult to breathe.
Then.......
What is the point?