Time and tears

I just returned from a run. It is fall. Peak weekend and the smell in the air invigorates my soul. My kids and Isaac are at a friends football game. Doesn't it just fit the expectation of autumn? I have had craving for apple crisp and pumpkin pie. A hay bale sits on my font porch with mums and pumpkins all around.

Of course, I am musing about life. Always there is something churning and awakening. This one is particularly painful, but I see where it is going and I like it. It will benefit everyone I know. I am ready to lighten up. I am ready to have a laugh.... just because, every day... not just on a good caffeinated day.

Since the start of this blog I have gone through so many changes. I feel like the butterfly. I know that is such a cliche, but that is the only way I feel like I can describe it. Isaac and I have remained together and things are going well. Partly because I have grown on my own, with out him and with out walls. In the past I would have said, " fuck him.... I can do this." Now my approach is, "I can do this." His negative actions do not touch who I am at my core. I believe he can sense that. And he has begun to change. I think I can take part of the blame now, in hindsight, for our problems.... before he felt pressured to please me.... now, slowly he realizes that his actions do not affect me one way or the other. It has allowed him to rediscover himself, for himself.

The fact that I am beginning to know my worth and make the appropriate changes has greatly helped my psyche. I think I spent most of my life avoiding pain, now that I do not fear pain I can begin to look at life with a broader focus.

My newest growth is realizing that I can relax. RELAX. That I do not have to be 100% perfect all the time. That my perfect may not look perfect to anyone but me. I am a gentle loving soul inside a tough and strong exterior. I have used that toughness to my advantage.... now it is time to let both of my sides work in harmony. I have felt I needed to identify with one or the other.... That is a tall order and one that will take time and tears.