Survive?

I would love a run.

I am sitting at the computer with tears running down my cheeks. I feel so delicate and lost right now. I do not feel needy.

I just realize all the pain that is in me for one reason or another. I feel the whirling and the roller coaster hills of family and love and life and future. I don’t know where I fit. I know that my fear of being a stay at home mom is confronting these emotions. Confronting myself. I don’t want to feel trapped in my life. You know, the person that I want to be, dream to be in contrast to who I am. Honestly, I am not honest. I survive in a strange place of false transparency… it is a front. A need for others to feel comfortable b/c I rarely do.

I don’t know where to go from here. What I want is unattainable. Who I am is buried by circumstance. I make the most of what I have and I am happy. But the feelings of failure and dissatisfaction in who I am are almost unbearable. I want an outlet. I need an outlet. And I am afraid that I will not have one.

I am afraid that I will completely fail as a mother. I feel that I have already. And I don’t know how to change that. I want my kids to grow up loving themselves. But, how can I give that to them when I don’t love me? How can I give that to them when I strike out in anger… reducing them to nothing?

I know that life is more than things. More than ease. More than flowers and candy and good feelings. But….. will I ever have a place to call my own? Will I ever be free from the worry of finances? Will I ever do more than just survive?