Inspired

I am only 31 and I feel so tired by life. I realize how many things in life I do that really mean nothing. I do them because I must. To survive. To get to the next level. To fit in. To meet a quota set by some unnamed entity.

I want to matter again. I want my time to be mine. I want the strength I had as a teen when I set my mind towards a goal and come hell or high water it was achieved. I want the energy to care about myself and have daily goals set by me, for me.

I find that I am dissatisfied with many elements of my existence. What used to be important to me has faded into oblivion. I have a new set of criteria by which I use my energy. Some good, essential, mature. But, not all.

I find that I walk in a cloud most of the time. I exist, quite comfortably, with the proverbial monkey on my back. Passion, vision and motivation are things of my soul that I have sold to.....well, you get the point.

I want to be inspired. I want to know what I want again and go after it. I want simple things. And I am ready. I truly am done being weak. Done allowing mental, spiritual, emotional exhaustion define my days.

If I get specific I feel that it will be my undoing. If I do not specify I really should delete this whole post. To start: rise early and begin my day silent and alone. Sometimes I will exercise, sometimes I will sit and watch the morning come, sometimes I will read or type or make a list, sometimes I will pray. Tho, I want my life to be a prayer. A gentle yet vibrant whisper to the heavens.....so that God remembers that I do still exist, that I am not totally forsaken. Second: I will put into my mouth only things which are edifying. My passion is health and I have let convenience dictate. I know it sounds rote and typical.... but I assure you it is not. I already, by American standards eat a relatively healthy fare. I bake from scratch, I steer clear of preservatives and take-out. I garden, can and make applesauce. But, I know more than I do. I feel better when I eat according to my body, not according to hunger. Third: Only edification will emerge from my mouth. I rarely, if ever, gossip. I rarely, if ever lie. I do not speak of character flaws. But, I do let slip the swear words of the age more than I should. I believe I feel a need, in my bland,plastic world, to have some spice. If I truly say that I do not believe in segregating certain words and colloquial, naming some as more potent than others, defying cultural standards.... why do I feel a need to pepper my speech? I will refrain. I will also speak truth and not only what is desired to be heard. I will use diplomacy in my interactions. I will shy away from speaking by emotion and with out thought. That can get ugly. Fourth: I will pursue beauty. I love to be pretty. I love clothes, decor, flowers, smells, tastes that tug at my core. I want more around me. No longer will I excuse away my right to be a woman.