Ashamed

My little boy had a hard time going to pre-school this morning. A very hard time. The ache of his emotional state hit my core. I saw in him a result of my actions. It is a painful realization: When I am depleted, my family is depleted.

I am a giver. I think of you before I think of myself, most of the time. But, I get weary. Last night was one of those nights. In hindsight, I can see that the warning bells were going off all day. I ignored them and plugged ahead, business as usual. But, when empty EVERYTHING empties me. I hit a limit and my tea-pot began to whistle. It didn't stop. I woke this morning with a headache and a tight stomach. The self-loathing that I feel currently is not pleasant. I do not like to look into the eyes of my children and see a question mark, a searching of my soul asking "who are you today?"

It is my words, my posture, my facial expressions. I have a no-nonsense, no grace, no tolerance that defines me. My normal, playful, open demeanor is replaced by an angry cloud. I get loud. Even mean with my words.

I feel like my anger is my one vice. The one thing in my life that occasionally controls me. I hate it. All ground of safety is lost and I must once again build back their trust that I am a safe place. I see the results of my hard edge reflected in every one of them. I am destroying them. Their adult health is going to be a reflection of me. I can not walk in death and expect life to blossom from my babies. My frustration with myself needs to be a silent battle. My inability to feel secure in my parenting need not be inflicted on them. Proactive parenting, while it generally defines me, needs to be ALL the time.

It hurts. I do not want to give them in a negative foundation. I want to heal and keep them healed. I want trust to grow.... not be repaired. I want them to embrace life with a vengeance, with out fear that with out notice the atmosphere can change.

God asked me to give up my anger a few months ago. I did. And I have greatly improved. I have had 3 relapses since October. I am ashamed. I am at a new stage in this process. (and am so sad that my family must be along for the ride) For the first time I see that to heal them, not ever be angry again, I need to be healed myself. Admitting that sounds selfish to me. But, I know that it is true. I need to have a buffer. I need to take care of Angel. When Angel is taken care of, life will be a blessing to everyone in my life at all times.

Now... how do I do that?