ON DEATH, DYING, AND WALKS IN THE WOODS

I escaped to the woods. Again. I was stealing away several times a week to walk the paths until my  soul found peace.  I needed to think. To breathe. To clear my head.
These days life was squeezing me tighter than I ever imagined. My seeming only place of safety was the woods; where solitude, silence, nature and fresh air filled my senses with the knowledge of something bigger than I.

I was weak.
I was broken.
I was facing my ugly. (Mind you, facing your ugly and accepting your ugly are two different things. The FACING hurt so much..... I didn't know how I would ever be able to fully look at it, navigate it, accept it)
I was acutely aware of my failings and failure.
I was weak.
Tired.
And I was completely confused with why I was HERE.

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Most of my life was about me being strong. Enduring. Pushing through. I didn't know the meaning of obstacles.... I saw a challenge and a challenge meant fun.

I would train and run, fast and long.  So far and so long... urging my body to try and stop. I would eagerly look forward to the WALL, knowing that it meant stronger, meaner, louder... BETTER. I would taunt it as I ran through it. The euphoria and endless energy on the other side was my drug. And I lived my life pushing for that feeling.

Police Academy.
Travel.
Fights with my hubs.

I was always reaching. More. More. More. At times my body would say enough. Stress fractures. Sprains. Headaches. A 6 day hospitalization during pregnancy for acute pneumonia.
I would be restless and impatient and jump right back into life FULL speed. I didn't know another way. I didn't want another way.

Things in my life were not easy. At all. So, I SURVIVED. Yeah.... YEAH.... Nothing was going to get me down. I was NOT going to be a statistic. I intentionally made the most of everything. I packed my schedule full. I read. Planned. Networked. Lead anything I could. Read more. Took classes. Got up early(4:30am) to train before I would train others for a few hours before being a mom and working. I healed. Insatiable. I dealt with my internal demons. I was proud of my strength. I scheduled "me" time, friend time, husband time. I would whisper to myself, "pain is your friend," whenever I was about to crack. Always organized. Always productive. My house was vacuumed three times per week and my laundry was ALWAYS folded.

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And then I got sick. And needed surgery and they nicked my bladder...so months of pain. And then I lost my literal mind, I was either laughing or crying, yelling or shrieking. I thought I was going crazy. But it was hormones, early onset menopause. And then more hormones. And I finally had no more energy. NO MORE. I was done.
And I hit a WALL I could not laugh my way through.

Everything I knew myself to be was gone. I could no longer rely on me. It was a dark and lonely season. It was Autumn. The dying. The shrieking of a soul not willing to let go.

And then one night I did. I let go.
And surrendered.  I always thought surrender was beautiful. It is not. I have never experienced torturous death. But, I imagine it feels like surrender.

It lasted 24 brutally long months.  In those months I faced every facet of my ugly. Every angle of my shadow. I laid down all my shame. I opened my hands and slowly, in excruciating layers, relinquished control. OF EVERYTHING.  I didn't lead. I slept. A Lot. I could no longer run like before. My endurance was GONE, girl.

As each part of my soul slipped through my fingers I struggled, terrified of who I would be when I let go. My brain always screaming at me to STOP before I die. DIE, I tell you... this is the end.

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Only the woods gave me life; reminded me over and over that I was ALIVE. That I was one small organism in a world of such beauty. My faith was restored in the eternal plan. Daily. Daily. Daily. Hour by hour. Silence. Meditation. Prayer.

And then a shift.
Deep inside.
From what was to what is.
It was warmth.
And peace.
It was perspective.
And hope.
It was experiencing... me.... I want to say the "new" me.... but I think it was really the original me.... before "I" got in the way. An unpolluted version.

My values became intrinsic.
Productivity took a new face. I did less, accomplished more.
I lived in the present.
I finally knew what the word SATISFIED meant.
Now I whisper, "find your peace."

Unseasonably warm, my feet pound on the path as peace floods my whole being.
I am in the woods, my happy place still. I smell the dry leaves that are drifting through the air above me, see the light bouncing off tree trunks, feel the sun warming my skin.

My pace is quick, my footsteps light and rhythmic. I synchronize my breathing to my steps, setting my pace. My creativity ignites and off I go planning and strategizing. Happy.
One mile. Two Miles.  Two and a half miles.

Done.That fast, I am done. Like DONE. 
My breathing turns to a gasp-y wheeze. My steps are heavy, and have turned into 20 pound weights.

Somewhere deep inside I recognize this wall....the wall that used to hit me at 10, 12, 15 miles.

I smile.
I stop.
I walk.
I cool down.

I take a deep breathe, content with the day. Knowing the time will come to embrace the runners wall again. But, it's not now. And, I'm okay with that.