Closing a book is equal parts sad and exhilarating.

Sleep has been both my lover and my enemy of late, alternating visits. Last night I was wrapped in an embrace of deep comfort, kissed gently into REM bliss.

Today, softly and carefully, the world around me woke up, sparkling and full of possibility… the peaceful kind.

I stretched and began to plan out my day, going over the details and my to-do list carefully in my mind, as I do every morning.

Blame it on the excellent sleep or the smell of a summer morning, but I was swept away into comfortable reflection, a morning stroll down memory lane. These times are where I SEE. Where I connect dots in my life and understand the silent progress that is generally unseen. I cherish moments like these, as I cannot predict their arrival. 

This morning was a recent view. Of the last 12 months, contrasting of Angel R. Ludwig July 2015 with ARL  July 2014.  And frankly, it was Intense.

Those 12 months were months of holding back. Of watching. Of exploring options. Of supporting. And not leading.

I have spent the last year building deeper roots. Waiting. I have learned through listening. And grown through SILENCE. I have faced my ugly, embraced rejection, stood strong on my principles, re-aligned priorities. 

I am the same, but different.

I suppose it is maturity. I am not really sure. I don’t suppose that I care what it is.  I am just grateful.

Grateful that life sometimes takes us on journeys that are notably raw, tempting in their freshness, lips plump from tasting.  This season will never fade into oblivion as just another year that came and went in the story of my life. It is a book in itself, chronicling a pinnacle, defining moments, and building foundations.

I continue to notice the world in all of its glory, taking pleasure in nuances and contradictions. Feeling. Seeing. Knowing. The unpredictable intrigues me just as much as before.

Though, now I see what I didn’t see previously.

To begin this exotic trek into a foreign land I had to lay down all I valued, beliefs, goals, priorities; long accepted views are scattered in heaps along the rocky path.  It was terrifying!

A path I believed was a dark one at the onset. A thorny path scarily, wildly unfriendly. The path that made me small with infantile weakness, inadequate. The path I knew I had to traverse alone.

I have never done well alone.

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And yet, here I am… looking back on a path lit by the glow of the once unknown and terrifying. 

I no longer see fear, only hope.

Stronger than ever in ways I’ve never explored. 

And I now know that small is good… it means the world is vast. And I have a place in it.

Beliefs are new, expanded. 

Goals now intrinsic. 

My value system contoured, evidence of repeated sanding.

My ability to love has grown, almost as by-product. And while I still ruffle and bristle, the focus is meaningful, towards injustice and the like.

Currently, I am in an essential moment of rest in my journey. A safe place to reflect.  And sleep. Gain needed strength for the terrain ahead, for the mountains and valleys are many.

It is time to put the lessons of the last year into action.

Time to stop holding back.

Time to lean in.

I love the smell of the pages of a new blank book, the call to fill them with living, loving, with words... ohhh, the words.