It will happen when it happens

I am a mess right now. A. MESS.
Do you sense a theme lately???  I'm being wrecked. Maybe it's because I am mid thirties? Or because I deliberately slowed my schedule down for the summer to reevaluate and LOOK at my life?

For whatever reason I am a snotty, mean, disoriented, pain in the arse.
I've been flirting on the edges of a big ol' emotional dive for a few weeks now. I guess in hindsight I could see it coming
But I gotta tell you... when it actually came it took me by complete surprise.

And just that quick, life turned upside down.

I do not mean to make light of mental health issues because I know they are real. But.... I FEEL LIKE I HAVE a diagnosis of CRAZY.

Want a real life example? I  cried the whole way home from the mall the other day... because I couldn't find my husband and all the people made me feel panicky.
 Not like whimper, whimper, sniff, sniff cry.. but BWAAAAHHHHHH, Snort, WAAAAAA, gasp, snort, ahhhhhhAHHHHHH, tears off my chin, down my neck wailing cry.

Yes, that really happened.





 I have also still been yelling. Like YELLING. So loud and so often that it is completely losing its effectiveness. It's actually having the opposite of my desired response.... laughter.  The kids are laughing. Because really, I am yelling about dumb things. Things that don't matter.

And I can't finish sentences. Or thoughts. Or anything.
And I can't type suddenly. Texts are misspelled. And I keep hitting the wrong key when I am writing and having to backspace OVER AND OVER which makes my insides turn into a knot and makes me want to SCREAM.

This has been my process:
Vulnerability - committing to more of it
Shame -  recognizing its pervasive infiltration in my life
Control - I do it  a lot. Like....  A     LOT    More than almost anyone I have ever met. I controlled my responses, my relationships, my feelings, my WHOLE effing WORLD. The very strategies that work well in the non relational world for efficiency and elevated performance do not, I repeat DO NOT work well in the breathing world.

My BFF said I was the "most non-controlling controlling person she knew."  So essentially part of my control was acting like I wasn't controlling.

I think that is called manipulation.

I HATE MANIPULATORS!

Last week, after I realized how much invulnerable, shame- riddled control filled my world, I made a decision to:
1. lean in
2. be enough
3. relinquish control.
"Even if it gets bloody," I committed with faux strength and a smidgen of pompous naïvety.

HAH...... (that is truly a maniacal, head thrown back, wild eyes laugh)
Please, for the sake of God's green earth and humanity NEVER, EVER commit to those things all at once.

All week I have been recognizing all the tiny and big ways that I control. Even areas I  thought for sure I had no control, I figured out a way to control SOME aspect of it... the part that pertained to me.  I was so controlled that I am having to relearn vulnerability and appropriate emotional responses (obviously I never had that training). I can now control .... nothing.  Falling completely apart  and having to love myself through it...  be enough... that has been my week. 

I have bruises all over my soul. I'd show them to you, but I'm not taking visitors.

This afternoon I got flowers. With the reminder, " it will happen when it happens." For the first time in a week the hot tears on my cheeks were healing tears.

That phrase encompassed the one thing I am most terrified to admit. Life will happen when it happens.

There isn't anything I can do about it.
The path I am on of letting go will only insure that I gracefully grow and learn the lessons I need to.
A perfectly orchestrated schedule is not guaranteed success.
Busy will not get it done faster.
Crying is ok.
Screaming is not... but for a short period of time it's not gonna kill anyone.
Vulnerability is safe.
Imperfection is too.
Shame is a mask.
And LOVE truly is the answer.

If you need me, I'm in the corner, with my flowers, trying my hardest to figure out how the hell I'm gonna get through this.