Growth

We have been saying that our life is NOT about us and all about God… yet, more than ever we are focused on ourselves.
Out of necessity, our mind is continually turned towards who we are. Mostly, these days, who we are not.

Ironic?

Or not?

I am not a spiritual warfare extremist. However,I believe (100%) that we fight against spiritual darkness not flesh and blood. These days, when do we have time to stop the flesh and blood view? Only when we are done going through THIS little SITUATION will we be able to see what is really going on. Meanwhile, pant, pant... this needs dealt with and that needs stressed over and his shoes are too small, and the car brakes are in dire need of attention, oh and did you hear that so and so said this and such about me today, SHEESH! And somehow one day turns into two days and then into months and I say my hello's to God and read my verses and say a little (begging) prayer about all that we have going on, and I listen to Him for a bit while I am in the car... until all the details of life hijack my good intentions. And I am left with


FEELINGS

And they are intense right now. I have always known that I am flawed... but aren't we all? I am a type A personality and we rarely pause long enough to actually cry over what we are not. We keep going... and loving.. and growing. (that, my dears, is the operative words here) But suddenly, I am in great awareness, possibly even despair, about what I am not. And the navel gazing intensifies and the world feels small. And mean. and cold. And....

can you pass a tissue?
thanks

So here they are... the FEELINGS of the day:


I feel

less than.

Ugly.

Fat. (mmmm hmmm)

Incompetent.

Uneducated. (I am... I am reminded by well intentioned elite all the time)

useless.('cause staying home and cleaning the car windows does not really count as productive)

Like I am not anything… at all. (poor me... the darkness in this room is pitch black)

I can’t trust my instincts or my knowledge (I am always, sniff, sniff, wrong)

worthless

wounded (i know that I am who I am because of my pain... but... oh.....)

stupid

failure prone ( everything I touch right now turns to dust)


I am writing these words to speak out the LIE.
My feelings have no power over me.

Are all of the above true? Yep!
But are they TRUTH?
NO WAY.

I feel more accepting of myself than ever. I can go on happily (blissfully) okay with me. I feel like putting on Facebook my weight (135) and pants size (6)just to declare that no longer will I accept the lie that I must be SOMETHING. I accept myself. In all my flaws. With all my oddities, hang-ups, bulges and ripples, hurts and scars, and tendencies towards psychosis. I am free. Free to be me.



I feel a strength rising up inside

not OF me or

BECAUSE of me… BUT

In spite of me.



I am freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee