I love summer. All of it. I am sitting in a kitchen hot from dinner prep , sweat dripping down my back as the smell of the summer air wafts in the open window.... bliss!
Today we rode and ran the LVRT trail. It was the kids first significant bike ride, 6 miles, and we all had a blast! Isaac and I ran and pushed the baby in the running stroller. We came home and did more sweat inducing activities outside; The kids had a good old fashioned water fight with the hose and buckets, Isaac washed the car, I did some weeding and flowerbed preening. Supper was late... 7:30-ish. Gosh, I love weekends in the summer 'cause the days go on forever........
This week has been internally very hard for me. I have determined to never write while emotional and I will adhere to that. But I have experienced actual physical pain from my heart being shattered. I have grieved more this week than any other. I am grieving me, grieving the loss of a shred of hope that to two people I will ever be good enough, grieving that those two people took my siblings away from me in one night with some very descriptive words, and I am looking at myself and wondering if they all feel that way about me than how does anyone stand me. (for the record two people communicated for everyone else who were not aware. hear-say with a spin)
I am not angry as I have been after previous conversations, I am not reeling with self-hatred and loathing like in the past, I am not living out of the pain.... but I am growing and changing. It has been an ache I cannot describe. And a redefining. I was able to get my equilibrium back with in 24 hours and function well all week. I see how much I have grown in the past few years and how God truly is my source, identity, and foundation.
But my eyes are again red from tears tonight and I again had to take deep breathes and release the pain.
But....... SUMMER brings me solace. The sting of life is eased by the evening breeze, the pain in my heart soothed by the pink streaks on the horizon and my smile returns as I see the lightening bugs illuminate the purple mountains.
Today we rode and ran the LVRT trail. It was the kids first significant bike ride, 6 miles, and we all had a blast! Isaac and I ran and pushed the baby in the running stroller. We came home and did more sweat inducing activities outside; The kids had a good old fashioned water fight with the hose and buckets, Isaac washed the car, I did some weeding and flowerbed preening. Supper was late... 7:30-ish. Gosh, I love weekends in the summer 'cause the days go on forever........
This week has been internally very hard for me. I have determined to never write while emotional and I will adhere to that. But I have experienced actual physical pain from my heart being shattered. I have grieved more this week than any other. I am grieving me, grieving the loss of a shred of hope that to two people I will ever be good enough, grieving that those two people took my siblings away from me in one night with some very descriptive words, and I am looking at myself and wondering if they all feel that way about me than how does anyone stand me. (for the record two people communicated for everyone else who were not aware. hear-say with a spin)
I am not angry as I have been after previous conversations, I am not reeling with self-hatred and loathing like in the past, I am not living out of the pain.... but I am growing and changing. It has been an ache I cannot describe. And a redefining. I was able to get my equilibrium back with in 24 hours and function well all week. I see how much I have grown in the past few years and how God truly is my source, identity, and foundation.
But my eyes are again red from tears tonight and I again had to take deep breathes and release the pain.
But....... SUMMER brings me solace. The sting of life is eased by the evening breeze, the pain in my heart soothed by the pink streaks on the horizon and my smile returns as I see the lightening bugs illuminate the purple mountains.
Baby, I enjoy reading your transcribed thoughts. It is hard watching this happen before my eyes with them. I pray that its for the best. But I am angry about it in a different way too. No child of any parent should go through this. No matter their age. I grieve with you. I grieve.
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