Sunday, August 8, 2010

A picnic table in the woods

time to:
be aware.
time to:
make a decision
time to:
prioritize

This weekend we camped. This weekend a wedding did not happen. This weekend I changed.

Very self-aware, hyper-vigilant to a fault and always evolving; this weekend an epiphany of undefined perimeters lighted life.

How do I be a friend to someone who is consistently selfish? How do I be a friend when I suspect her hubby of cheating? How do I be a friend when the tears will not stop? How do I be a friend when I am in my own pendulum of life?

How do I tell work that their philosophy is not mine? How is something so perfect yet so wrong?

How do I love beyond what I know? There is more to love that exceeds my current ability. I want my children to experience that kind of love. I want to know what it feels like to give... and receive that kind of love.

I want to know that my baseline is not as far away from where I came from as humanely possible. I want a new measure. A new normal.

I want something to be mine.

I am sick of all the non-negotiables controlling my thoughts and decisions. I am sick of living in the have-not-so-i-can-not world. No more living by fear.

I live every day to give. I live every day to serve. I give every day as an offering poured out. (yet I feel empty, why?) oh yeah.... I forget about me. Why does it feel wrong to be filled? To want? To breathe and have it not catch in my throat?

So many questions in my brain..... philosophical. Concrete dilemma yet to be answered.

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