Reserve me

Snow fort outside in the dark. The kids sleep silently, played out from a day in the snow. A day at home; games, baking, movies, snacks, laughter, projects checked off of the to-do list. It sounds perfect, eh? Why do I feel like I do?

My account is overdrawn. I hate to admit that my well being hinges on another. But, in a marriage sometimes the "being one" element takes me places I don't want or need to go. A fatal blow was dealt do a delicate trust shoot that was attempting to grow. After long weeks, many good attitudes, energy to be all places and do all things, I was doing great. And then he was around more and my reality had to accommodate being taken for granted, discounted, always having to be the strong one. I despise picking up his pieces, and I despise when I am the pieces that need picked up.

I see signs of my state before I feel them: My irritation level rises, my safe zone fades, my buoyancy erodes. I end my day with a sour stomach and many regrets that I snapped or reacted or had lightening shoot from my eyes. I wonder what my empty soul is robbing from my children in an attempt to stay alive.

The most important things in the world to me are my children. A day like today, while fun and successful on my levels, leaves me with a distinct desire to sleep.

I have a big week coming up. A week where I need to juggle too many balls. I know I will do it, I know I can.... but I want to be happy and healthy in the process. I need a reserve.