Responses to my blogs on self care

My recent blog posts on self care netted some excellent conversations with friends and acquaintances.  Those conversations were in person, phone or via email.  I was changed/ blessed by the interactions, my thoughts were expanded.

I thought that you would enjoy them as much as I... and honestly they were so real, so tender, so courageous, there was no way I was going to let their words stop with me. For every one person who opens their heart, there are scores more who can relate, but process in solitude.

As you read, know that these are excerpts from several people who gave permission for me to share their bared soul. And I treasure their trust. Please read with an open heart and respond with your own heart thoughts, as I know an open dialogue will encourage them in their journey. 

In response to "an opinion piece"

0.1  I know that American culture is fundamentally selfish. We want to have a great story, do all sorts of things and have pleasure. Yes, even I feel those things. But if I really look deeper at the hidden depth of my soul, I seek those things not because I am selfish but because I so desperately don't want to face who I am and the ugly wounds that cover my soul. But my desperation comes out as selfishness... Selfishness is my medicine to self soothe. For me... My selfishness rears it's head in the area of  food. There it is, the ugly truth. 

In response to .2
2.1 For me, I have been deeply pondering what you have to say. So much has happened to me in the past two to three years, that I often feel a bit out to sea. My old responses and behaviors no longer fit the person I have become, and as this new person, I often face circumstances I never imagined I would ever face and I have no frame of reference for dealing with them. As I have read what you have to say about self care, I found myself agreeing with everything you have to say. I do some of the things you suggested, but others are non-existent in my life. But as I pondered, I realized that for me... Self care must truly begin with figuring out who I am now. I have lived in survival mode for so long and changed so much, that I feel like a stranger in my own skin. I know who I was before I got married. When I was the most "me". But I am no longer that person, my marriage and motherhood have fundamentally changed who I am. I know who I was for the first 10 years I was married. But I am no longer that person either, God has fundamentally changed who I am. But... The wounds of that time are still controlling this new me. So self care is dealing with the wounds and understanding who I have become. 

You vaguely addressed this, I think that many women, maybe even most women, need to start here. We can't care for our self, if we don't even know who we are or what we need. We are told by society and by our church that we "need" to get married and have children and have a clean house and a career if we want one. We need to fulfill the needs of our husband and children and sacrifice ourselves for their benefit on the altar of motherhood and wifehood. And as I read my bible... I simply don't see that being God's plan. We have twisted what God meant for good and made it detrimental to women. And women lose themselves in the process. Or they are screaming on the inside as they struggle to keep themselves intact while acting "appropriately" on the outside. While self care is important, women have to crawl off the altar and first recognize that they are not the sacrifice for everyone's happiness. Jesus alone belongs there. But when we crawl off the altar... Then what? What does life look like? 


2.2 I think I am in love with a man. And he is not my husband.  Well, maybe not love. But in "something." More than a crush. How did this happen? It took me by surprise  I was not looking. In fact I prided myself that I would NEVER experience this.  I am finding parts of myself I never knew were inside me. Powerful parts of me. Delicate womanly feelings that I have never felt before. I will not DO anything with these feelings.  HE does not know. I will not continue contact and I have had some space. I am getting more perspective with it all. Slowly.  The ache is still there. I still don't know what to do with it. I still long to know what it would be like. One thing I am learning…is my ache, MY reality is MANY, many woman's ache. And many of us have had the same experience I am walking right now. We just don't talk about it. There is no easy solution that makes it feel all better. And that sucks. So that is where I am right now. 


2.3 I am in a bit of an identity crisis. I actually googled "how to find yourself." Yes, I did. And I am not even embarrassed about it. I found some great ideas. One of the suggestions was to eliminate distractions in your life. The things that you go-to out of ease when you should be taking time to focus on yourself, your desires, YOU.  So I identified what those things are and I am eliminating them. Today!




2.4 I am married. Happily. Ish. Been married for almost 20 years. I try to take care of myself, I do well for the most part. I work hard but am learning when I need to take "me" time. What I really need/want is to be taken care of. Pursued. I want to share all of me with my husband. I want him to SEE me. I want him to be as at ease with life as I feel. I feel like as I grow, progress, become healthier, he and I are going in two directions. And I don't know where to go from here...


2.5 I read what you wrote today and I had to talk to you... today. I do not like me. I used to like me and somewhere along the way I lost who I was. Guilt has become a major factor in my choices or lack of choices. I have made some decisions that I regret and I cannot seem to forgive myself.  When I have time to myself it seems like my thoughts cycle through all that I am not. It is not desirable, thus I avoid it. I no longer put the time and effort into myself that I used to.

In response to .3 - this was by far the least read/ least responded to post, which I find interesting considering my main readership is from the Pennsylvania bible belt and I talked on spiritual growth. I believe we are so sick of hearing about how to grow spiritually. We are dull. numb. almost sick with all the "have to's." We are craving real life.  Authenticity. And for many, spiritual growth, by subject, is a stressor, not a pleasure.

3.1 Spiritual growth is not something I want to think about right now. I do not get it at church. I do not get it with my peers, I do not get it in my small group. And, honestly, it takes so much WORK to learn and grow. I suppose my motivation is from a place of obligation more than desire. I have knowledge and I do not need more of that.  

In response to .4

4.1  As I have been thinking about what you have written, I have been praying. And as I have been praying, God has been using a conversation with a friend and a book to hold a mirror up to a hidden place. Truthfully, it's been hard. It has been pointed out to me that obesity and anorexia are two faces of the same problem. One is extreme lack of eating, the other an extreme overheating, but both come from the same broken place. A place of insecurity, hurt and a need for control. One takes control by choosing not to eat. The other takes control by eating everything in sight. Why I fall on one side and not the other is a mystery, but I believe it has to do with pleasure. I can pinpoint a point when I had been married for less than a year... I was deeply unhappy, marriage was not what I thought it would be, I had been diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder... And I made a choice that even though I could no longer find pleasure in physical activity and my marriage was lonely and miserable, I could find pleasure in food. As I have looked back during the past few days, I realize that in that moment... I consciously chose obesity as the solution to my problems. What a terrible and ridiculous choice. 

While I am getting better, I have a long way to go, progress has been made. I've lost almost 100 pounds making better choices half the time. But I will not lose the rest until I find a way to make better choices all the time.

We all have our own growth pattern, speed, and destination. More than ever I am convinced that we need each other to get where we are going. It remains a tedious, vulnerable and fear-facing process. To open ourselves up to another for the sake of ourselves, that is courage.