wearing a TUTU and carrying a sword

The title on my twitter account is "35 and trying WAY too hard." I am so aware at this stage in life that the more I know the less I know. You know?

Rephrased: The more I know the more I realize there is to know.

Rephrased: I don't know squat.

It was easier somehow when I was in my twenties and I was trying to just figure myself out.

Now I am ok with myself, have come to terms with the fact that flaws are a part of life:
I can enter a room without comparing myself to all the other females there.
My clothes are last season... and I somehow do not really care... most days.
I can smile at a stranger before they smile at me.
I can now see someone who is CLEARLY having a bad day and realize that it is just a BAD DAY, maybe even moment, they are not a horrible person.

In my 30's I am working on my contribution to the world. It is HARD. I am a parent of 4 children. I have clients. I have friends. I have a future. And I have a husband. Not to mention community and volunteer responsibilities.  I want an innovative healthy menu, which means that I have to have a well stocked kitchen AT ALL TIMES. (who has time for that?) I need to recycle. Wipe down the commode. Have fresh smelling laundry. Blog. Instagram, Facebook, tweet.... now tumblr and Vine? WHAT????  I am an intense Tasmanian devil. I am an all in or all out type of personality. Taking a chill pill is not part of my nature. Most of the time. God, how I wish it was.

Currently, Life is a two-fisted war approach for me. Intentionality and experiencing the beauty of the moment.

I am thinking of starting a brand called Calm (the Freak) Down -  and it would offer all sorts of products to remind a person to take a step back and BREATHE.  You know, stress balls, punching bags, elliptical that go to level 50, incline 100 and that have LOCKS for your feet, isolation chambers that strap you down and force you to listen to the sounds of a bubbling brook. HAH!


I am hoping that in my forties I will have arrived!  (wink, wink)

One thing that keeps me going when the intensity of the moment is threatening to take me to the Looney Bin is laughter. Keeping my humor ranks up there with sleep and water these days. (knock, knock)

The second thing that saves the day? A phrase that an old man said to me a long time ago.... "You are a delicate beauty."
 At the moment I laughed. Like a HAHHHAHHHAHAHAHA, you don't know me, nice try laugh. But he didn't laugh. He just looked at me intensely and asked me to ponder his words.

 Those words stayed with me. Seared themselves into my soul.

 I  was able to understand/ receive his words when I saw my daughter one day,  my second precious, precocious, lovable, scream inducing, wild, sarcastic, compassionate, adventurous, daughter... who was just like me. There she was, blond curls tousled, running around our yard wearing her tutu, the one she wore 24/7, carrying her favorite toy, a wooden sword the neighbor boy had made for her, Dancing, twirling, singing and shrieking  "I'll kill you, HA!" At that moment my eyes filled with tears and I realized how a crazy-over-the-top-obnoxious-loud-go-getter like myself could be a delicate beauty.

So today I see myself climbing the caverns of my thirties wearing a tutu and carrying a nice, big sword!