Part of the Problem

You know those moments where you get a sick feeling in your stomach when you realize that you are part of an on-going problem? Maybe even the source?

Perhaps you have never experienced one of those moments. There are some inherently good people in the world. A few names are popping to my mind as I write. I have had several, ok, MANY of these unfortunate moments in my life. I'm only 35... the future will most likely hold more. The school of hard knocks seems to be my education of choice, how I wish it was not so....
I call the moments unfortunate moments... not for me, but for those that have experienced me before my Aha! moment(s).

I had one this weekend.  An Aha! moment. A big one. A parenting one.

I need to get it out, so here goes -
One of my BIGGEST mommy pet peeves is my children nitpicking at each other and the ensuing tattling. Can't everyone just relax and get along? All the time? I mean, I know they are kids and I know that spats will happen. But the incessant bickering, little jabs searching for bits of emotional blood.... GRRRRRRRRRRRR.

This weekend was bad. BAAAAD. bad. Very bad. Isaac was at work and I was doing chores and the kids were doing their chores and music was playing... and I kept reminding myself that all was well. Because in between the spats there was fun and and laughter and .... well.... some quiet. In one of the peace lulls, right in the middle of Tay beating up on Maya and Maya screaming and Cade running around like a crazy man whooping and hollering and Ara taunting Maya about how she sounds like a baby... I heard a foreign screech in the mix..... mine. And then I realized, in an instant, that it was not so foreign.. it was common.

My mommy words were genius.  I did not sound mad nor, even, irritated. I was pleading and repetitious, but the words coming out of my mouth were stellar, "stop fighting. Guys... come on ... don't do this. LOVE EACH OTHER.  For pete's sake. You are friends and you will be in each other's lives FOREVER.  Your brother is more important than that toy. SERIOUSLY. DO YOU HEAR ME????"

I was calling them to behavior that I wanted, but not showing. I was calling them to modify their reactions. I was expecting them to NOT emulate me. My approach was not timed correctly, was from a place of pure angst. I was louder than they... because I could be. I am the mother after all. 
 I was the problem. I was the nitpicker. I was the crazy freak that taught them how to be.

After the red in my face cooled, I spent some time reevaluating my parenting.

And, guess what? I saw an instant change in the climate. I didn't even DO anything. I just internally repented and shifted. Took responsibility and  determined to change my approach. (It showed me the power of authority, yes it did.)
But more than that I felt the rush of innovation and ideas. I felt my grace increase and my love accordingly.
And over the last two days I have changed... improved. I have become part of the solution. And I see my kids responding.
Check back in a few days to see how I progress...
 I do believe that, at least in this area, my change is permanent. 
Because I really saw what I was doing and what now needs to be done. I saw that there is another way.
No going back.
And I'll take that any day.