SAA *Sugar Addicts (not so) Anonymous

Hello, my name is Angel and I am a candy addict.  I know, I know. You are all thinking that I do not look like one. My lifestyle doesn't sustain that habit.  That I am the picture of excellent consumption habits. In awe of my eating standards, I am sure your shocked mouth is hanging wide open. But.... it can effect the best of us.

Sigh.
Downcast eyes.

It snuck up on me.... little by little.


I have a friend who recently admitted a sugar addiction. I sighed and patted her hand. Proud of her for owning up to it.
Recently I have been hearing of MORE and MORE people giving up sugar.  So happy for them from my pedestal of (unintentional) condescending health.
I remember a conversation I had with myself one day not so very long ago in the car after yet another sugar tortured soul told me that they had given up processed sugar and they had felt an amazing positive change in their mindsets and attitudes. I thought to myself, "Good for them. They knew where they had a problem and they dealt with it. MMMM. They are brave. But not really... because, seriously.... WHO has an addiction to sugar? I mean, take me for example. I drink BLACK coffee. I do not eat sweet desserts. Except for at birthday parties  and then I only (usually) share a bite off my hubsters plate. I do not EVEN eat gluten..... which is far worse. Really, Angel dear, the only sugar you actively consume is the occasional after dinner nibble on dark, rich, creamy melt in your mouth european chocolate. And that hardly counts... 'cause its usually semi sweet."

 Around the same time I began to notice how often I scolded my daughter for consuming sweets. She was like a sweets magnet. Dessert. Candy. Handfuls of runts. A steady grazing all evening on double dipped chocolate peanuts. Tootsie rolls. Cake pops. Unending and never stopping. We had multiple talks about

diabetes. And heart disease. When she expressed an interest in a six pack for her summer bikini I graciously used that opportunity to explain how abs are formed in the kitchen. "Sweetie, healthy choices are worn for everyone to see." One evening her and I were out together and we had to stop in at the local gas station for some nonsense and her and I both scattered to our respective isles and reconvened at the register. Her with gummies and me with Mike and Ikes. "WHAT?????" It smacked me in my face. That is why she is a sugar freak. I BUY it for her. WHEN I BUY MY OWN. Sometimes I scold her because she is dipping into my stash. Her and I, we BOND over candy.

Candyology is the name of a blissful candy store in my town.... I get my caramels there. And I can get bagfuls of skittles, m&m's, and
FUDGE at Wertz Candy, the cute specialty shop, walking distance from my house. (they make their own chocolate covered bacon, if you are in to that stuff...which I am sooooo not)

I still remember going to my great aunts house every Christmas eve. Three of them lived together, Cora, Esther and Grace. And for awhile their brother Delbert sat in a green chair in the corner. They were old. For my whole life. OLD. And sweet. Like sugar. Like all the bags and bags of candy they had in their kitchen on this fantastic eye-level table. It was a child's dream. Who needs a candy store when you have great aunts on Christmas eve? Each year, the highlight was picking out one or two pieces and then slipping into the living room to open the lower desk drawer and play with antique toys as deliciousness coated my mouth, ran down my throat, filled my belly.

I can look back over my life and see how at various points sugar was always close. Releasing the serotonin in the pleasure part of my brain, a nibble here and a nibble there has turned into a daily after dinner fix. An evening bite. Always small. Controlling my thoughts. Always the source of my cravings.  Tricking myself often into partaking. And... after I indulged more than a nibble, always hand in hand with feeling a tad off.. ... or slightly overwhelmed, overloaded, ick.

Thinking about quitting made me have anxiety (actual, not perceived) and bargaining happened for days in my brain. I realized that I have a fear of not having food around me, more specifically sugary substance. Of any kind.

And so now I have quit candy. Just candy. We are taking it slow. I do not want to throw my body into shock. And I am surviving. Barely.  I have not yet been a kinder person. I hope that part kicks in soon.

Meanwhile.... If you need me, Im the one standing with my nose pressed to the candy store window. And I deny that it was me who licked the drawing of the tootsie pop on their sign. That would be gross.